But today, after a particularly trying day at the office, I came home feeling defeated. See, for me, going back to work after having a baby has never gotten easier. Sure, I'd have a good day here and there, but the sour feeling in my gut of missing out on Bubba's day-to-day activities never subsided. While I know that I am doing the right thing for my family, the guilt is always there...the fact that I have to read about what my son had for lunch instead of serving it to him myself, or that for 5 days a week, I see him for about 10 hours total is enough to make me crazy. The one part about motherhood that no one tells you about is the guilt...it's ALWAYS there. If I stay home, I would feel guilty that I'm not helping provide for my family. If I go back to work, I feel guilty that I'm not there all the time. I feel guilty for having the TV on while I fold laundry in front of C, or the fact that I threw some chicken nuggets in the oven for dinner instead of cooking him something more nutritious...It's always there.
So like I said in the beginning...I felt like I needed an outlet. To vent my frustrations and joys, my daily struggles and my mini-victories. Today was hard. I wished I was in a position to storm out, but I didn't. Instead, I worked hard, left at 5pm, fought traffic, came home, cooked my family dinner, drank wine, laughed hysterically with the Hubs as our 15 month old little boy danced his heart out to Pit Bull's "Give Me Everything" (don't worry--I'll post a video another day), listened to giggles and splashes during bathtime and last, but certainly not least came my favorite part of everyday: The ten minute ba-ba. I snuggle up with C in his rocker, dimmed lights, just Mama and Bubba. As he drinks his ba-ba, I kiss his forehead and soak up as much as possible to get me by until the next night. With every gulp, I watch as his eyes close slowly, like the sun setting over the ocean - calm and peaceful, little by little. When he is all done, like clockwork, he opens his mouth one more time for his binky. I scoop him up, and carry him to his crib reciting the same words my mom said to me before bed...God bless you, sweet dreams, I love you, see you tomorrow, night night.